I Am The Walrus

This is for my good friend, Joy.

Let me get this out of the way — according to the art of rhetoric, a convincing orator must have ethos (reputation), pathos (appeal to the emotions) and logos (makes sense, logical). Fine. I have no ethos. I am absolutely unreliable — based on my love history — when it comes to love advice.

So I’ll try logos first. It’s basic and simple (and I’d greatly appreciate if other people can back me up on this). A man in love will not waste one minute — not one single minute — to not be with the woman he loves. In any form, in any way, be it an actual date or a text or an email. There is absolutely nothing that can stop him. I’ve seen this. You’ve seen this. It’s in nature!

At this very moment, I will bet my day’s salary, he is not with you. He’s with someone else. And that says it all. He woke up this morning, he said "Hmmm, I wonder who I should spend my time with today" and he didn’t choose you. It’s painful. It makes you want to eat your hand. But it’s true.

"What’s wrong with me? Why not choose me?". Nothing is wrong with you. Why he didn’t choose you is irrelevant. And him not choosing you now doesn’t mean he will never choose you ever. It’s just right now, you’re not the choice.

And so the hell what if you weren’t the choice. There was life before him. There’s life after him. Life without this moron is liveable. It really is. I swear it is.

Now I’m going to try pathos. For the love of everything that is real and pure in this world —- SNAP THE HELL OUT OF IT. I am genuinely concerned for you — probably for the first time in our friendship of 14 frigging years — because you are becoming someone else.

I remember when I got pregnant and I told you about my cheating boyfriend and how I chose to stay with him despite his rampant cheating. You told me "This is not the Ajie I know". And that hit me real hard. It also made me realize that a relationship that changes me for the worst isn’t the relationship that I should want to be in.

And that’s what I’m saying to you know. "This is not the Joy I know". The Joy I know won’t take shit from guys. The Joy I know is logical and systematic and straightforward. I’m the rulebreaker, you’re not. I’m the impulsive and crazy one, you’re not.

I honestly can’t believe for the life of me that you are crying over this guy. It truly angers me. Not at you, of course. I wish there was some law against flirting by guys with girlfriends so I can sue him and put him in jail so he doesn’t have to flirt with you ever again.

I know it’s hard to listen to me knowing the stupidity I’ve done — and am doing (haha) — over the years. But this is a sincere plea….

You deserve better, pare.