I Am The Walrus

(Thanks to Mean Girls— and Tina Fey— for the term/title)

Have you ever had so many thoughts in your head that you just want to drill a hole in you temple and pour all the thoughts into a basin or a ten-gallon drum depending on how many thoughts you have.

(Epiphany! This must be what J.K. Rowling thought of when she invented the Pensieve.)

I’ve gotten up in the middle of the night to write down a story or a rant or a thought on my journal. Once, I stayed up until 4am writing down my version of how Lois & Clark should have ended.

These thoughts may be positive thoughts. These may be creative thoughts. Hell, people make a living doing this. But then these thoughts may be horrible, painful thoughts. Memories of a relationship after its bitter end. Thoughts of hatred towards a person you work with. It can range from something extremely positive like planning a charity benefit to something extremely negative like plotting murder or blackmail.

I am having these thoughts right now. I am so haunted by so many (negative) thoughts that I can’t be at peace anywhere. I’ve tried. Last night, I hopped from one restaurant to another just trying to get …. this concept, this being… out of my head. I tried blasting my ears out with my mp3 player (which died on me) WHILE answering a crossword WHILE texting my friend. Talk about multi-friggin-tasking. But to no avail.

You just want to scream at your own head "Shut the f*ck up". You want to hide under a stone for months or years. You just want the thoughts to stop.

Hmmm….

The good thing about life is that you don’t have just one life. You have life at work, you have life at home, you have life with your friends in highschool, you have life with your friends in college. You don’t necessarily have to hibernate to disappear…

"When you don’t have love, everybody you know falls in love…. Even retarded people in your neighborhood are getting married on their front lawn. As you drive by, "WHAT???!!!!! The ‘Tards are getting married on their lawn"….. "That’s great, I have nobody and the ‘Tards just committed to each other for a lifetime of ‘Tardiness"

I came up with the perfect analogy right here. This is what it feels like. When you don’t have love, it’s like there’s a party going on and everybody was invited..except for YOU. And you just happen to be walking by that house in the rain (wipes his eyes as if its raining)…."Hmmm… I wasn’t invited to this party".

But then again, once you’re IN love, that’s like being inside that party going "Where’s my jacket? I wanna get out of here"… "I’ve been in this party SIX years and I want to see other parties"…. "Someone shit on the coats…""

-The Brilliant Dane Cook, "Retaliation" 2005 (www.danecook.com)