I Am The Walrus

It is both fortunate and unfortunate that I am so loved by my parents that I don’t nor have I ever had a need for the affection of another relative, say, a grandparent.

Which is why I have never been close to any of the elders in our clan, not as close as some of my cousins are perhaps. For example, as horrible as this may sound, whenever a Lolo or a Lola dies, I have never been in grief. I’d be sad, sure. I’d even cry. But I have never been gripped by a debilitating sadness that would not enable me to perform everyday.

However, this particular death bothered me the most. Lola Perpetua — Etreng as she is fondly called (my family of the weird nicknames) — died last Friday. She died alone in her home.

All I know of my Lola Etreng is that she was an amazingly weird cook. Weird because she would put ingredients in dishes that you won’t normally see in them (e.g. red sago in buko salad — ever had PINK buko salad?) but amazing because it would taste great. Whenever the clan would go on vacation or have a party, while all the other families would bring one or two dishes, Lola Etreng would bring ten — not including dessert.

Lola Etreng knew only one trade — she was market vendor. This is why she had to live alone. She lived on her spot on a small market place in Manila. She had to stay close to her work.

Every day, his son, my Tito Boy (every family has a Tito Boy. I think I have two) would come to her house to help her market. That Friday morning, when Tito Boy knocked on the door, no one answered. When he managed to open the latch, he saw his mother on the floor, foaming at the mouth.

Now, I am horrified at the thought of being alone. I’m starting to think that maybe I am destined — perhaps trained — to be alone. Only child? Check. Single Mom? Check. Even at work I am the sole Senior Media Specialist. See a pattern? Which is why I force myself to deal with the complexities, the inanity, the awful, awful mind games that guys play so I can date them and assure myself that I am at least doing something to make sure I won’t die alone.

But now I know, we can’t be sure.

Lola Perpetua had five children and about ten grandchildren. None of them were there when she died. Not because they didn’t want to — it was circumstance. These things suck but they happen.

Now what could have gone through Lola Perpetua’s mind as she laid there, her heart a weapon against her own body. Did she fumble for the phone? Did she try to scream for help? Was there fear in her heart? Did she cry? Or did she just lie there and thought "What the hell. Bring it on"

What I do hope is that in her final minutes, she saw an apparition — heck, even a hallucination — of her husband Domeng, leaning over her, smiling. So that even in her mind, she was not alone.

HUGE thanks to our computer guys for blocking friendster from our PCs, you will now here less and less of my rants. At best, once in a week when I have the chance to run to the nearest Netopia. (Netopia and nothing else).

(Would also like to warn you of this little pasta place in SM North Edsa called Chef Donatello, especially their white sauce pasta. And I’d like to apologize to whoever will clean the bathroom in Luk Yuen Megamall…. I think I threw up everything I ate since I was ten years old.)

The good thing, though, is that there are more interesting things in my life in a week’s time than a day’s which would make my blog more readable.

Enjoy your Friday night while I dig into my soup and crackers.

1. Pizza Hut Bistro at Gateway. Food is good, little expensive than, say, Pizza hut Concepcion Market, nice date place. Good-looking waiters. I’m not talking about "cute" waiters — like the Paolo Contis variety. I’m talking about Alfred Vargas - good looking. Dennis-Effing-Trillo.

2. Look for the following books. "Bakit Baliktad Magbasa ang Mga Pilipino" and "Ang Paboritong Libro ni Hudas". They are too cheap (meaning their cost) for their own merit — if they costed twice as much, I’d still buy it. The author is Bob Ong (is he a real writer? a pseudonym maybe?). The book is HILARIOUS, like watching stand-up. Have you ever read a book and just laughed so hard you’d stop reading it for a second? I wish I could give you a sample of how funny it is but I feel I will not measure up. If you don’t have it, just go out NOW and buy it.

3. Beware the Bloody Mary. Since I read Bridget Jones, I have scoured every restaurant in the city and the Bloody Mary has been scarce. Thank God for Gilligan’s in Makati. The Bloody Mary tastes… really weird. Weird yet satisfying. Like having a relationship with somebody who’s ugly but is a good kisser. You don’t want to even see it/him or smell it/him but you can’t get enough.

4. For a guilt-free pleasure, try Figaro’s carrot cake. Figaro’s carrot cake has a nice cream-cheese icing and the cake has nice crumbly walnuts. Try this for those depressing nights on your way home when you want to get the image of the guy who broke your heart out of your head. Although it costs much more than your average McFlurry, it’s healthier.

Select Figaro branches also have cute waiters.

5. Enchanted Kingdom costs P500. If you’re a scaredy-cat like me, you’re better off watching a movie.

(Thanks to Mean Girls— and Tina Fey— for the term/title)

Have you ever had so many thoughts in your head that you just want to drill a hole in you temple and pour all the thoughts into a basin or a ten-gallon drum depending on how many thoughts you have.

(Epiphany! This must be what J.K. Rowling thought of when she invented the Pensieve.)

I’ve gotten up in the middle of the night to write down a story or a rant or a thought on my journal. Once, I stayed up until 4am writing down my version of how Lois & Clark should have ended.

These thoughts may be positive thoughts. These may be creative thoughts. Hell, people make a living doing this. But then these thoughts may be horrible, painful thoughts. Memories of a relationship after its bitter end. Thoughts of hatred towards a person you work with. It can range from something extremely positive like planning a charity benefit to something extremely negative like plotting murder or blackmail.

I am having these thoughts right now. I am so haunted by so many (negative) thoughts that I can’t be at peace anywhere. I’ve tried. Last night, I hopped from one restaurant to another just trying to get …. this concept, this being… out of my head. I tried blasting my ears out with my mp3 player (which died on me) WHILE answering a crossword WHILE texting my friend. Talk about multi-friggin-tasking. But to no avail.

You just want to scream at your own head "Shut the f*ck up". You want to hide under a stone for months or years. You just want the thoughts to stop.

Hmmm….

The good thing about life is that you don’t have just one life. You have life at work, you have life at home, you have life with your friends in highschool, you have life with your friends in college. You don’t necessarily have to hibernate to disappear…

"When you don’t have love, everybody you know falls in love…. Even retarded people in your neighborhood are getting married on their front lawn. As you drive by, "WHAT???!!!!! The ‘Tards are getting married on their lawn"….. "That’s great, I have nobody and the ‘Tards just committed to each other for a lifetime of ‘Tardiness"

I came up with the perfect analogy right here. This is what it feels like. When you don’t have love, it’s like there’s a party going on and everybody was invited..except for YOU. And you just happen to be walking by that house in the rain (wipes his eyes as if its raining)…."Hmmm… I wasn’t invited to this party".

But then again, once you’re IN love, that’s like being inside that party going "Where’s my jacket? I wanna get out of here"… "I’ve been in this party SIX years and I want to see other parties"…. "Someone shit on the coats…""

-The Brilliant Dane Cook, "Retaliation" 2005 (www.danecook.com)

Texas Hold Em. You’re always dealt with two cards. Everyone starts off with an equal number of chips. But then not everyone has great cards. But the opportunities are there, just floating around, it’s up to you how much chips you’re going to lay on the table.

Sometimes you have “ok” kind of cards, like a Jack and a Five before the flop. And you have a decent number of chips, so you raise. And then the flop unfolds and there’s another Jack— you now have a pair. Or it’s two Jacks and another Five, then you have an eff-ing Full House — which almost always wins. And all the players around you think you’re bluffing because you’re going all in on these great, great cards. But then you win, of course. Moment of triumph which lasts about five minutes, and then the next cards are dealt.

Then you have great cards, like a pair of Aces. Even before the flop, you bet half of your chips, and your opponents don’t catch your bluff. Especially one opponent. The flop unfolds, and it’s two deuces and a three, and you bet the other half of your pot. This other opponent goes all in too. You think you’re going to win — you have a pair of Aces anyway. You’re thinking “What the hell is this moron doing? I have a pair of f*cking Aces”. Until he shows his cards and he has the other pair of deuces. Imagine that. Four two’s beat two Aces.

But then you can also have like sucky cards, like a two and a three–same suit. Right of the bat, you fold. The flop unfolds and it’s a four, a five and a six— with the same suit as the sucky cards you just folded. You could have gotten a frigging Royal Flush if you only took the risk. You do nothing but sip on your beer and wait for the next turn.

All of these things, in life, has happened to us in one way or another.

The job you turned down which now pays twice your current salary. The boyfriend you broke up with who’s now a friggin millionaire. The book you bought for P1,500 which is now, six months later, sold at half off (HARRY POTTER!!!!)

Or on the lighter side, it could be your current job which used to pay a ridiculous salary and now gives you more than enough. Or a suitor you took a chance on — not very good-looking, not that successful — and turned out to be the love of your life.

The thing is, cards will always be dealt — you always have as much a chance as all the others. The way to winning is taking risks.

Take those risks.

When you really look at it closely, it really is my fault. It’s not one of those times where I just say "Sige na nga, ako may kasalanan" just so I can sleep soundly at night without plotting murder. This time it was really my fault. If this were a math equation, the products would have only me and me as the variables.

But in a twisted sort of way, I’m happy I did it. She’s right, I don’t have the giant "What If?" hanging over my head like a loose hairclip. I did what I could. I did what I wanted to do. I gave it a shot. Then it happened. Wonderberry.

What’s great about this crazy life of ours is that each event, each person, each place, each opportunity is a puzzle piece that leads to another opportunity, then another, then another. It could be a disastrous opportunity or it could be a goldmine. Or it could be another oppoertunity. The whole Life Puzzle has infinite edges (Fractals come to mind) where more puzzle pieces could and eventually would fit. I’d like to think that despite this stupid, stupid, stupid (said it three times because three people told me it was stupid) thing that I did, it will eventually lead somewhere. Where it is, I have no idea.

1. I will no longer complain. I’m through complaining. I will no longer whine about the state of my weight, my salary, my lovelife, the friggin government, the fact that I don’t have cable… I’m done. I will let things happen to me as they come.

2. I’m going to lay low on the stupid nerd stuff that I buy all the time — books and videos — and concentrate more on CLOTHES! The next book that I want to buy hasn’t been written yet (Harry Potter 7) and the DVDs that I want won’t be available until October (CSI Season 5 and Las Vegas Season 3). So will buy clothes instead.

3. I will socialize more. I will go out with my friends more. Cojie’s almost three. I guess I can take at least one Saturday of every month for just hanging out with my friends without my mom accusing me of being an irresponsible mother.

4. I will clean the junk underneath my desk…

5. I will accessorize more. I’ve noticed that when I don’t have earrings, I look like my Dad. Not to say that my Dad isn’t good looking, but honestly, does any single girl want to look like her DAD who isn’t a girl when you’re in the middle of the dating world?

6. I will stop being late for work! Seriously!

7. I will sleep earlier and stop daydreaming (or conscious nightdreaming, given the time) until 3am.

8. I will drink more water.

9. I will do something pointless, senseless, baseless, something that would require me to spend so much money and then regret it afterwards so that I could have something to tell my friends and they would then think that I’m not such a dork.

10. I will always use conditioner.

(Inspired by Abi’s blog. Thanks, friend. As always, you are A B.I. in my life hehe).

December 20: GMA Marketing & Productions Christmas Party. Finished 6 bottles of Wild Vines with three other friends (or probably four… by about 1am everything was a blur). Couldn’t remember what or if I actually won in the raffle until people told me about it the next day.

December 25: Christmas dinner with the family. Had two bottles of red wine between me, my Dad and my cousin. Very Ayala Alabang if not for our pulutan — pinaupong manok.

December 27: UP Math Club reunion at Mario’s and then at Dencio’s, had a margarita, a San Mig Strong Ice and half of Nep’s beer so we could go home already.

For really good margarita, go to Congo Grille.

January 1: New Year’s dinner with my family, had a bottle of Novellino (the best drink I had this season) and El Hombre Tequila.

Be warned. El Hombre Tequila is NOT FRIGGIN TEQUILA. It is tequila-flavored GIN. It will smell and even taste like tequila but the hang-over is SOOO GIN. That’s what I get for being a damned cheapskate.

Until next year…